The Wisdom of Nico Hayes
When I was at school I was good friends with a certain individual named Nico Hayes. This guy had us crying with laughter every coach journey to and from school with his insane sense of humour and twisted logic. Today I was clearing out some old books and I came across an old notebook containing some of Nico’s mad scribblings, which imagine were written during our History class as there are some notes about Homesteaders and Railways on the other side.
Here is what he wrote. I’m not saying I agree with it, but it was damn funny at the time!
“Men make better comedians than women: i.e. Bobby Davro is better than Jo Brand.
Women make the dinner and pleasure the men whereas men are the top [illegible scrawling]
All the great filmmakers are men i.e. Scorcese and Hitchcock. Penelope Sanders directed the Problem Child trilogy.
Men usually have larger hands than women so they can carry more Smarties. Women get skidmarks more often.
Lollypop men are better than lollypop women because they have bigger hands.
Men are far better actors i.e. Marlon Brando and Mr Belding from Saved By the Bell.
Men make better mothers because they don’t waste all their time playing cricket.
All locksmiths and cobblers are men. All farmers are men.
Men are best at sport. Apart from hockey.
Many great individuals were men i.e. Rupert The Bear, Bernard Manning, Luke Aikman, Patrick Duffy and Margaret Thatcher.”
Absolute bollocks of course. But hilarious!